What the Deuce?
by starfeeder24
Summary: Safira was just an ordinary girl until a visit to the dentists takes a bad turn and Middle Earth is stuck with a girl with a bad case of foot-in-mouth syndrome and who has no idea what she's supposed to be doing.10th walker. No flames. Legolas/OC
1. As a Elf

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Wish I did though :)**

**A/N :And sorry about the chapter, this bit is always my least fave and I tend to skip over things ... I'll try not to.**

To all effects Safira was an ordinary seventeen year old girl. Her prettiest features were hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses, long dark hair and shiny braces and her figure under baggy clothes. She lived in a sleepy town in the back-end of nowhere miles from the nearest city. This however didn't stop the fact that she was still taking advantage of her braces coming off to go shopping in London as the chance wouldn't come again for a while.

It was the kind of town where everyone knew everyone else's business, so when Safira received a letter in the post the postman gave her a curious look and small smile but Safira couldn't have cared less. Gossip spread like wild fire in these parts, and she could imagine somebody probably telling him later with an incredulous, scornful tone that someone would dare leaving their home to go to something as unheard of as college. She quickly chased these thoughts from her head. This was her moment.

She opened the letter and saw the only thing on that page that mattered to her.

''Accepted''

Mum I've been accepted to college!'' She shrieked down the hall to where her expectant mother stood in wait.

''Honey that's brilliant. I wish we had time to celebrate but we're already late.'' her mother said running up to hug her, a little too happy that it was not the opposite situation. She couldn't handle seeing anymore tears from her daughter.

''Ok coming'' she replied, shoving her kindle into her bag. She wouldn't leave the house without it, she had just finished downloading the 'Lord of the Rings' movies on it, on request of her friends. She didn't like the movies as much as her friends but had dutifully sat through all the movies, casually staring out the window or the next most interesting place of entertainment only paying attention every now and again.

She leaped into the car and they sped off down the lane through the trees, opening put to countryside then through small towns and then the outskirts of London, screeching to a halt in front of the orthodontist's practice in the heart of the city. She looked over at her mothers strained face. Ever since her father's death, her mother had never been the same. Last year when he was out on feild-work he had been dragged off the boat in the middle of a strom. She knew her mother still haurbored doubts about the fact she chose marine siences as a career path but Safira took pride being like her Dad. Even though Safira's mother shrank away from the water now like it would kill her as well, Safira was proud she was going to college to do what he would want her to. She wanted to do him proud.

''Ok honey call me when you want me to pick you up'' Her mum trilled disappearing down the street.

Safira quickly opened the door and sat down to wait. She barely heard the secretary calling her name. She didn't feel a thing as the tall man put her under and groggily woke up to perfectly straight teeth. She paid and as she walked down the street to the nearest bathroom possible to check out her teeth at her own pace. Unlike the way the man had flashed a glance of them at her through the tiny mirror he had. She couldn't stop smiling. Her teeth had always been such a confidence-downer for her, as a child she always hated speaking or singing in public because of them. As soon as she locked the door she felt a huge wave of dizziness engulf her she walls started spinning and she grabbed the door-handle for support.'

''It must have been whatever drug they used to knock me'' out she thought.

Then a stronger second wave of dizziness and nausea passed over her making her spiral to the dirty floor. As a third came she slipped into a peaceful unconsciousness.

When she woke up she reached up and moaned feeling her throbbing head and as she brought her hand down she found she wasn't wearing her glasses. She opened her eyes quickly and immediately wished she hadn't, as she found herself in a strange place a various array of pointy, sharp and generally dangerous weapons very near her face. When her eyes focused she saw nine men at the end of each one. So she did the natural thing. She let out an ear-splitting scream and backed away shaking with fear. When she looked at them again she saw that eight of the nine were very dirty and five of them only came up to a regular person's waist. They were all dressed like they were from medieval times wearing breaches, cloaks and tunics. Then she realised they were all the people from her friends movies.

''Oh my good God'' she whispered to herself ''I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming, I must be. I'm still drugged. I'm on the bathroom floor'' Then she pinched herself - hard. She let out a small yelp and started rubbing her hand. ''But you're all from a movie'' she gasped, '' you're all actors''

''I think she's insane'' said the one she recognised to be Boromir

''We shall not judge so quickly Boromir.'' Sighed Gandalf clearly thinking himself that she was quite possibly off her rocker.

''What is your name child and where do you hail from?'' Asked the blond one .Safira couldn't really remember his name now, only that he did some impressive fighting in the last movie.

''Umm I'm Safira and I'm from England'' she said her voice shook slightly and turned very posh, this unfortunately happened when she spoke when she was nervous.

''England?'' The one called Aragon said ''I've never heard of and Elvish town called England nor any Elf called by the name of Safira.''

''That might be because I'm not an Elf or from around here I think - I think I'm a long way from home '' Saifra said slowly glancing around with a worried look.

''Yer an Elf Lassie, look at yer ears!'' Grumbled Gimli.

The others looked at her as if she were absolutely crazy. She slowly reached a trembling hand up to her ears and found the ends of them pointed. Her eyes widened and her breathing became shallow and quick.

''Oh my god why are my ears pointed? And why the hell am I not in London? ''

''Perhaps you should tell your tale from the beginning ?'' Said one of the Hobbits in an attempt at a helpful smile. It was either Merry or Pippin, they looked the same to Safira.

''Ok, well I was at my orthodontists as a human'' She spoke as though explaining something very simple to a child '' and then I went into a bathroom locked the door as a human'' Her voice took on a nervous pitch , ''and fainted as a human'' Her voice began to rise rapidly ''and found I was here when I woke up.'' She paused and took a deep breath, ''as a Elf'' looking down she said '' And found I was wearing this'' in surprise, looking at brown hunting boots, a brown bag, beige breaches, a white shirt and a pale blue cloak fastened with a pin shaped like a very complicated star. 'What the deuce happened?'' She almost yelled, barely refraining herslef from yelling.

The others ignored her and started having a debate about whether to help her or not.

''She'd be a liability'' grunted Gimli.

''We can't leave her here she's lost, she wouldn't last the week'' Argued Sam.

''We don't know if we can trust her'' Said Boromir slowly.

''Are you suggesting we leave a helpless, lost, lady here on her own defenceless?'' Inquired Aragorn forcefully.

''What do you think Gandalf?'' Asked the blond elf dude.

''We will bring her with us,'' He mused ''I could see a lie in her eyes when she told us her story, I can tell she means us no harm. Galadriel will know what to do.'' He said quickly when he saw Gimli and Boromir faces' . ''Safira please meet Aragorn son of Arathorn, Boromir of Gondor, Gimli son of Gloin, Legolas of Mirkwood and Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo of the Shire. I think here is a suitable place to settle for lunch.'' he said addressing the crowd and glancing around at the barren mountains surrounding them.

Safira recived a mixture of curious, angry and confused looks as Gandalf turned away and tried she began to find a suitable rock to sit down on. This was going to be interesting she thought making a effort not to trip, sneeze, drool, burst into incoherent ravings or do anything to make her new companions even more freaked out about her.

**Review please ! (Or read the next chapter and then review as there wasn't much time to do anything in this one...)**


	2. Worlds Worst Elf

**Author's note :Yay now its my point out I'm a idiot time :) So I made a huge whopper of a mistake in my last chapter (Sorry to anyone who noticed it ...) I said Safira was in a forest and then I just moved to the place where they get attacked my the Crebain. Sorry about that.**

** Thanks to everyone who followed and favorited ( - What!) and please pretty please please please Reveiw, If you have any ideas I could work into this and don't want to start a story yourself just put it in your review or PM me.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, well I own Safira. He, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself... Ow, don't hit me ...  
**

* * *

Safira sat away from them on a rock to the edge of their make-shift camp trying to figure out her upside-down life. The others were all eating, sword-fighting, or cloud-gazing. Actually Legolas was the only one cloud-gazing but somehow he almost managed to pass it off as a brooding glare into the distance. Almost.

She wanted to know more about being a Elf, she realised her hearing and eyesight had improved considerably and she didn't even need her glasses now she still hoped the race change didn't include any nasty surprises. But she wasn't ready for a deep meaningful conversation with him just yet, she was still in a little bit of shock and particularly not when he happened to be such a darn hottie of an Elf.

She looked down next to her saw her bag. She picked it up wanting to distract herself from her obviously good-looking companions and looked through it and found a spare change of clothes, two daggers and sheaths, a water container and her kindle. She stared at the kindle wondering what sort of sick joke this was. She was just about to pull it out when Gandalf came and sat down next to her.

''Well Lady Safira, yours is the strangest tale I have heard for a while now. But it seems the only choice we have is to believe it.'' He said with a slight twinkle in his eyes.

''I hardly believe it myself to tell you the truth.'' she said turning to face him dropping her bag back down. ''Which I am doing, telling you the truth I mean.'' She said looking him straight in the eye. Damn she thought, my posh voice is coming back again why do I have to get nervous now?

''I believe you trust in the words you speak Lady Safira'' He said, which she translated into 'I think you're a nutter, but the good kind'. She smiled at him gratefully. It wasn't reassuring, but it was the best response she had gotten so far.

''I guess I should explain further. You guys, all of this, is a fable, a story, in my world.'' She said waving here hand around. ''So you can see why I would have that little spaz-attack when I came here.''

''Spaz-attack?'' Gandalf asked questioningly.

''Uh, like a shock.'' Safira said with a smile. She was about to try and start convincing Gandalf she wasn't crazy when Aragorn came over and Gandalf started his speech.

"We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From their our road turns east to Mordor."

Somehow Aragon seemed to be paying attention but Safira was quickly becoming bored out of her mind. Then she heard Legolas yell very loudly ''Crebain from Dunland! ''

She gave a huge jump and toppled backwards off the stone in a very unladylike position. '' Ouch!'' She yelled ''What the hell do you think do you think your playing at?''

They all ignored her jumping into action dousing fires, collecting bags and running to hide.

''Lady Safira, what on Middle-Earth you think you're doing'' hissed Gandalf, peering around the other side of the rock ''come child, hide under here with me'' He pointed to a rock half sticking out of the ground. Safira pulled her groaning and stretched body over to the rock and spent the next few minuets trying not to think about the amount of chances those crazy looking chicken-bird mutants had to crap in her hair as she curled up in a ball under her cloak.

"Spies of Saruman!" Gandalf snarled when the birds had passed. "The passage south of being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras."

They all looked up at a big snow-topped mountain. Safira felt a slight dropping sensation in her tummy as she looked up at the mini-Mt. Everest. She was never very good at climbing mountains and this one looked like it would have the Terminator running home to mama.

''So …'' She said loudly with a fake smile '' Get transported to a new planet, hide under a rock from chicken birds, try climbing a mountain … what aren't we doing today?''

* * *

So new Elf perks Safira thought I don't get affected by the weather so much and I can kind of walk on snow. Or I can try to walk on snow. Apparently the whole walk on snow thing was down to where you put your centre of gravity. So it was more like creep on the snow and hope you don't sink.

Finding out she actually had this skill was an awkward affair. When the snow drift had started to get to deep to walk easily, Legolas had leapt up onto the snow with grace and continued walking while Safira had gawped at him behind his back. The four little Hobbits had turned around expecting her to do the same, but she quickly told them she hadn't a clue how to. They had warmed up to her over the last few days, so they called Legolas back to explain it to her and Merry and Pippin even offered to hold her hands to make sure she didn't fall flat on her face.

When she finally managed to do it without having to hold on to the Hobbits it felt like she was learning to walk again, only Legolas was firing of random instructions to her, and she had a feeling the Hobbits had only turned away from her again, was to stop themselves from laughing about how ridiculous she looked trying not to reduce herself to crawling across the snow.

The others all trudged wearily onwards in the swirling snow. The Hobbits could no longer walk and were being carried one in each arm by Boromir and Aragorn and the pony Bill trailing behind them. Gandalf was up front breaking down the thick wall of snow and Gimli was behind him telling him it would be much better to go through the Mines of Moria Safira thought she could remember something bad about the mines but she couldn't think about that now, as she was desperately trying to remember to creep and not walk as she slowly made her way behind Legolas.

''Oh, crap!'' She cried as she felt her leg sink under the snow drift all the way up to her mid-thigh.

''Here milady'' Called Legolas coming over to help. ''Give me your hands and I can pull you out''

''Fine.'' Safira sighed, relenting yet again to be tugged from the snow. ''This is the third time in ten minutes, I must be the worlds worst Elf'' she said. She braced herself remembering the first time this had happened and she had toppled over forwards into the snow. Soon however thanks to Legolas' muscle she was soon upright again. She looked down at her damp legs.

''I assure you Lady Safira you are not the worlds worst Elf'' Legolas said in a kindly tone with a faint smile on him lips.

''Right, '' Safira snorted sarcastically, '' Because I'm just the epitome of grace aren't I?'' She said as she slowly began sinking back into the snow.

He naturally noticed this and avoided answering by saying ''Bend your knees more, Milady.''

''Boromir.'' They heard Aragon call from behind them. They turned around and saw a tense stand-off where Boromir had picked up the ring and Frodo was holding his hand out for it. Safira saw Aragorn's hand drift slowly towards the hilt of his sword. Things looked like they were about to get real nasty when Boromir handed the ring back with a dismissive laugh.

''My god you guys need to operate the lazy rule,'' she said hoping to break the tension ''If it drops and if it's not within reaching distance just leave it. It's just a ring.'' She turned to start walking away until she realized they when all staring at her with identical looks of horror. ''What?'' She asked, trying to think back to the movies 'Dammit you idiot' said a voice in the very back of her head 'The whole reason they're on the quest is to destroy the ring.' Aw crap, she thought.

''Ok, I'm guessing I said something wrong so I'm just going to apologise now, for you know, whatever it is.'' She hastily said.

'There is a fell voice in the air!'' Shouted Legolas

''What the bloody hell !'' Screamed Safira, who had jumped away from him again and had sunk into the snow all the way up to her knees. ''Willl you stop doing that!''

That was when the disembodied voice started shouting. At first she thought it was shouting at her but when Gandalf started screeching back she figured that wasn't the case. Then the avalanche of snow came falling down on them.

"We must get off the mountain!" Boromir shouted hauling the Hobbits up from under the snow. "We make for the Gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!"

"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" Aragorn countered glaring at Boromir.

"We cannot pass over the mountain. Let us go under it," Gimli spoke up trying to get his stubby legs out of the snow. "Let us pass through the mines of Moria."

"Let the Ring-bearer decide," Gandalf said solemnly staring at a frightened looking Frodo.

"We cannot stay here!" Boromir shouted. "This will be the death of the Hobbits!"

''Well duh Einstein! It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out ''Safira yelled angrily.

Gandalf ignored her and looked at the even more frightened Frodo. "Frodo?" he asked.

"We will go through the Mines," The Hobbit decided looking like he was trying to shrink into his cloak. Gandalf looked worried, but seemed to agree with Frodo. "So be it." He droned.

''For gods sake I think this is a little more than karma I never did anything that bad.'' She cried suddenly remembering the Mines of Moria had a big fight scene.

'Are you certain you are alright milady?'' Called Legolas

''Yes.'' Safira replied lamely taking a wobbly step. Her foot sunk ankle deep into the snow and she toppled forwards and began to roll down the mountain until a helpful, very hard, rock stopped her journey a few feet down.

''Lady Safira! Are you well?'' Asked Legolas who had actually managed to run down to meet her.

''No … I can hear them laughing from down here'' She replied sullenly listening to Boromir's and Gimli's chuckles. He pulled her up and dusted her off with a faint grin on his face.

It was going to be a very long trip down to the bottom.

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**See that big review box down there, I think you should write in it ... but no pointless mean ones - please ;)  
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	3. Lessons for the Hobbits

**Hey, thanks again to all those who followed and favorited :) hehe every time the number goes up I swear I squeal. Anyway I made the changes in Chapter 1 and now its a tad more spesific on certain topics (Sorry I can't spell without Spell-Check :D ) Anyway new chapter I hope you enjoy and please review. Even if its like a sentence or something. It keeps me motivated XD**

Safira was starting to get seriously home-sick, and not the 'Dang, I wish I was at home'' kind. She felt as if there was constantly a pain in her gut because she missed home so much. She found herself missing school at one point. She was mostly missing the little things, her comfy pyjamas, the smell of regular cooking, the way her mum was always fretting over her. But mostly her father. This put together with the fact that the trek from the summit of the mountain down to the entrance to the Mines of Moria was just a long silent walk made her very, very sad. Even Gimli had stopped talking about his cousin Balin after a few days as the gloom of his companions settled over him.

She was also sick of walking. It seemed to be all they did, her feet felt like they were going to drop off and her hair was tangled beyond belief. She was hoping that if she didn't touch it, it would go away and untangle itself. From the looks she was getting from Legolas every now and then it hadn't worked. Each of his damn hairs had remained perfectly in-place, god she envied him. Because of the hair, and not his perfect looks she had to remind herself forcefully on more than one occasion. But least she wasn't horribly sweaty like the rest of her companions. Elves it seemed did not sweat, which she was very happy for. Hanging around with smelly people and being smelly were completely different to Safira. This still however was her reason for hanging around with Legolas as well as the Hobbits, because he had the highest personal hygiene. Yeah, that was it.

As they reached a slab of flat, vertical rock that came jutting down the intimidating mountain, looming out of the night at them Safira felt like running and hiding under warm, cosy blankets. Looking a murky disgusting pool next to it solidified this idea, she decided no matter what Gimli said, she wouldn't like it here. That might have had something to do with the fact she had just stubbed her toe on a hard rock and was now hopping around on one foot cussing silently, listening to Legolas' quiet chuckles. She had started cussing in her head after she found out the people from around here took badly to women cussing. Now that scenario was what she would call a bad experience.

"Dwarf doors are invisible when closed," stated Gimli happily as though this was a brilliant development. Safira started cussing even more violently in her head.

''Why does that not surprise me?'' She heard Legolas mutter under his breath. She jabbed his ribs lightly with the elbow, and he turned to her with his innocent eyes wide.

''Don't'' She scorned lightly not able to say much else when he was looking at her like that.

"Yes, Gimli, their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten," Gandalf said a bit less enthusiastically. "Well, let's see," he whispered, almost to himself as he leaned towards the rock. "Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight." He spun on the spot and raised a hand to the heavy, dark clouds obscuring the moonlight. They moved at once leaving light shine upon the doors. Amazingly the doors lit up with strange symbols which glowed faintly in the light. Safira stared open-mouthed at the unbelievable sight, slowly lowering her offended foot to the ground.

"It reads, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter'," Gandalf read to the company.

"What do you suppose that means?" asked Merry curiously.

"Oh, it's simple," replied Gandalf. "If you are a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open." He started to recite something in a different language it definitely wasn't something Safira had ever heard. Unfortunately nothing happened. Apart from Safira's brain finally discovering how to shut her open mouth.

"Nothing's happening," stated Pippin

"I used to know every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men and Orcs," Gandalf said somewhat bitterly.

"What are you going to do then?" Pippin asked inquisitively.

"Knock your head against these doors, Peregrin Took!" He grumbled his voice becoming shout "And if that does not shatter them and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions I will try to find the opening words."

The company spread out to rest as they realised that nothing was going to happen for a while. Safira plopped herself down between Merry and Pippin.

''I don't think I've seen him that angry since we set his off is fireworks'' Pippin muttered.

''You did what?'' Safira gasped with an incredulous look on her face.

''We always did things like that back in the Shire'' Merry chuckled looking at Safira's face obviously enjoying her awe. ''Not that we got away with it often, we were never any good at lying.''

''No, everyone knows how to lie. They have to, it's a life-skill'' Safira said smiling. ''You have to know, c'mon I'll teach you.''

The two hobbits looked up at her excitement on their faces ''You would teach us? You mean it?'' She didn't realise that no sane person would ever teach them. Ever.

''Sure'' Safira said not realising what this would entail ''After we can test you by having a prank-war on the rest of them.'' She smiled, gesturing towards the rest of the company. She needed something to brighten up her life anyway. She started highlighting the tell-tale signs of someone lying, then moved on to body language and believable lies.

The Hobbits started paying attention immediately. They could be surprisingly quick and focused she thought, as she started issuing them pointers and instructions. They looked like they were taking every word to heart.

She slowly realised that she was attracting more attention than just the hobbits. Aragorn was looking at her with a raised eyebrow and Legolas and Boromir were looking at her strangely. She suddenly realised that teaching others to lie was not a good move for somebody trying to convince nine people she was from a different planet. She decided to wrap up the session quickly.

''So I'll let you guys think on that for now, happy pranking.'' She blurted, blushing violently as they left to throw rocks in the water. She leaned back against the cold rock behind her closing her eyes, hoping the darn blush was fading. She just couldn't stop replaying seeing the others faces staring accusingly at her in her head.

She relaxed when she heard the splash of the rocks and heard Aragon telling them to stop. At least the others would have found something else to look at.

"It's a riddle," Frodo called suddenly gleeful as everyone's eyes swivelled towards him. "Speak 'friend' and enter. What's the elvish word for 'friend'?"

Gandalf looked at him perplexed. "_Mellon_," he said. The doors swung open at last and everybody quickly moved forwards.

"Soon, Master Elf," Gimli boasted. "You will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves. Roaring fires, malt beer, ripe meet off the bone!" He sounded so excited. "This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!"

"This is no mine. It's a tomb," Boromir horror evident in his voice. Then Safira saw what he was talking about and blanched. Rotting, half decomposing bodies littered the floor.

''No!'' Gimli cried kneeling at the bodies of his fallen relatives.

Nobody was doing anything to help him so Safira walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. Murmuring softly her condolences her gut wrenching at his sudden and unexpected loss she couldn't stop thinking about her father.

Then Frodo's' legs were pulled from under him as a huge octopus like beast wrapped a tentacle around him and in a split second yanked him back to the lake. The men sprinted back outside weapons' flashing they started slashing at the monster trying to free Frodo from its sticky, slime covered grip. Frodo plummeted suddenly into Boromirs' open arms.

"Into the mines!" shouted Gandalf .The moment after everyone had run back inside the mines. They tried to peer into the overwhelming darkness to make out some form of shape, until a glowing light appeared at the tip of Gandalf's staff. "We now have but one choice," Gandalf said "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world." Safira took out the two daggers and fastened them to her praying to every god that crossed her mind she wouldn't have to use them.

**Reveiw pretty, pretty please with cherries on top :3 (nom!)**


	4. Pointy things

**A/N Hello! Arghh! Thanks for all the reviews :D They make me all warm and fuzzy inside :3 All I can say is I can****'****t wait until they get out of Moria the place gives me the creeps in the movies and I don****'****t like writing about it either :****'****( **

**Oh and a Guest reviewer said I should get a beta so if anybody wants to volenteer I****'****d ****really**** appreciate it ****…****. I think ****:D**

**Disclaimer : I don****'****t own anything. Sucky disclaimer right?**

**Keep Calm and Be Ninja : First of all awesome name! Thanks for the support J Please if you see any mistakes just point them out it helps every time :D Please keep reviewing I****'****m really glad you like it XD !**

**Alpha: One of the best? What ! Sorry about the plot it****'****ll make itself clear when they get to Lothloien. I keep trying to make her, well, a not Mary-Sue but every time I try and make really awkward/embarrassing/bad stuff happen to her I start to feel really mean and I****'****m like ****''****No, I can****'****t !****''**** I****'****ll try harder though.**

Safira terrible about standing there, doing nothing, while the others all tried to get Mr. Octopus as she called him to release Frodo. She couldn't get over the tremendous amount of bravery her companions must possess to have volunteered for this dangerous mission. Being in a dark cave did not help her thoughts. The shadows flickered and the darkness seemed to consume everything around them. She felt like she would scream her head off if anything jumped out at her.

In other words she felt like a quivering wimp next to the others.

This didn't help when they were all being so nice to her. Especially because she was supposedly a 'lady'. She could have snorted at the word but she new the others only used it as a society thing. The Hobbits had even offered to hold her bag on numerous occasions and she was deeply embarrassed as she knew they were dead on their feet from exhaustion.

They were halfway through walking through a massive cavern when she realised the light stopped before it reached the ceiling and it looked like they were walking under nothingness. Safira started to get seriously creped out she picked up the pace to walk nearer to Gandalf who was carrying the light. She saw Legolas who was walking just behind Gandalf and made straight for him. She liked to be around Legolas he always had a calming effect on her and they got along well.

''I can tell you're on edge but try not to worry, milady'' Legolas said with a sweet smile as she fell into step next to him. ''Cave and mines are no place for Elves we belong in the fresh air amongst the trees,'' he said his face full of wistful longing.

''Hmm, fresh air sounds nice'' Safira said with a smile, pretending to think. ''I think I could handle that. Just about.''

Legolas chuckled then he glanced down and noticed her daggers for the first time now she was out of the shadows. ''Where did you come across those? Your weapons are of elvish making''

''Oh, well they were just in my bag. I don't really know where any of this stuff came from I figured whoever or whatever brought me her gave me this stuff'' She said looking it with a shrug. Safira said thinking about the obvious exception of her kindle nestled safely where she had hidden it at the bottom. As close as he had grown to most of them she hadn't shown any of them. She didn't feel ready to try and explain technology to a bunch of medieval people yet.

''Well my Lady I hope you never need to make use of them'' He said barely above a whisper.

''I might need too.'' She sighed looking at the floor. ''I'm just starting to realise how exposed and dangerous this quest truly is and I have no training at all. It was all fine when I was around my friends and they were giggling, placing all you guys on a hotness scale, but being here for real scares the living daylights out of me.'' She admitted sheepishly. ''I can't stop thinking what if someone had been buried by the snow or seen by those birds or eaten by the octopus thing.''

''We can only prepare for such challenges ourselves, and hope when the need arises the Valar is with us.'' He murmured. ''And what is a hotness scale?'' He asked his curiosity piqued.

''Um, It's, kind of, like, a scale for …'' She stuttered her voice instantly turning posh 'Oh my god why did I have to say that out loud' she thought frantically scrabbling at the corners of her mind for a decent excuse. ''For … kindness. Hot in my world can be substituted for meaning kind. Don't worry, you were right at the top of the scale.'' She poked her tongue out jokingly at him.

She was actually feeling quite proud of herself until Legolas leaned close and whispered in her ear, as though sharing a secret ''In that case Milady I think you are very hot.'' He was obviously just trying to keep to her joking mood but Safira felt a part of her shrivel up and die of shame inside, as a dirty voice in her head stated setting off on wild fantasies and other inappropriate ventures. She quickly stomped all over those ideas. 'He did not just say that to me!' She thought.

She tried valiantly and failed to remember to breath normally as she stuttered ''Yeah, you are too.'' She knew he only thought he was saying she was kind but she couldn't help being embarrassed as to hear him whisper that. In her ear. In the dark. 'No, don't think like that' she scolded herself 'He's only a friend and that's all you see him as, most importantly that's all he sees you as.'

She was just finishing up her internal debate when she felt something pull at her foot she tripped suddenly and fell flat on her face, hard, onto rock. 'I have the grace of a wart-hog and now I probably look like one too' is all she could think as she lay there for a second un-moving on the ground. She felt like someone had taken a sledge-hammer and whacked it into her head. ''Lady Safira are you alright?'' Legolas asked worriedly helping her up quickly.

''Yup, I'm fine.'' Safira answered brushing small pieces of rock and grit of her clothes hoping the Hobbits would stop laughing soon. She was ending up the butt of their jokes a bit to often for her liking.

She was very glad when Gandalf chose that moment to butt in, addressing the group for a little history lesson. ''The wealth of Moria was not in gold, or jewels, but in Mithril'' He moved his staff to show them thin slivers of an ore running up the walls of the cavern.

''That was a kingly gift.'' Gimli nodded appreciatively.

''Yes. I never told him but its worth is more than the value of the Shire,'' Gandalf chortled to himself.

They continued on in silence walking through long corridors, over thin bridges, up winding staircases until the reached a corridor into three separate passageways. One went down, one ahead and one up. It was then Gandalf uttered those seven terrifying words ''I have no memory of this place.''

Safira and the company started to stare at Gandalf's back. After a while they realised that Gandalf had actually gone into some kind of 'a deep thought zone' to try and remember the way, so they all spaced out taking the chance to rest. Safira noticed Gimli sitting down a little way away from all the others so she went to sit down next to him knowing he must be feeling terrible. He looked up at her when he saw her coming his way.

''Hey, you mind if I sit?'' She asked felling very self-conscious for some reason.

''Do as yer please Lassie'' He grunted not looking her.

''Look I just wanted to say,'' She said as she plonked herself down next to him ''I'm sorry for what happened to you, you didn't deserve to find out like that. I know what it feels like and I- I'm sorry you had to go through it.'' She said it all in a rush and felt her face redden as an awkward silence stretched between them for a few moments.

''Who did you loose?'' Gimli asked the question abruptly and even though Safira barely knew Gimli she found herself answering.

''My father, a year ago, lost at sea. I -I'm sorry you have found so many dead here.'' She kept a tight reign on her voice willing it not to turn posh. The Hobbits had already picked up on it a few days ago and she didn't want anyone else to.

''I appreciate what you said, but still won't change things.'' He said forlornly. He looked so run down and sad for such a usually vibrant person. ''Besides lassie you had nothin' to do with it, nothin' to be done''

He closed his eyes and Safira took that as a sign to leave him be, she didn't know him that well after all. She felt her eyes water as memories of her father were brought to the front of her mind. Crying was the last thing she wanted to start doing, so she turned away and closed her eyes as well, but as much as she hated to show weakness on this topic she felt one silent tear slip out. All she saw before she shut them was Legolas watching them, she didn't realise until much later that he could hear what they had said.

X-X-X

''Ah it's that way!'' Gandalf said happily, turning around to face all the others finding that most of them were leaning against each other on the floor fast asleep.

''He's remembered'' Merry squealed excitedly making the rest of them wake up.

''Who's remembered what?'' Safira moaned still half asleep.

''No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here when in doubt Meraidoc always follow your nose.'' Gandalf answered ignoring Safira's question completely.

They began to walk down the passage it had no distinguishing features and Safira was wondering what if Gandalf had led them astray. What if they were lost down in the Mines with no chance of escape?

But then the walls on either side of her dropped away and she was standing in the biggest room she'd ever been in before. 'Really, _room_ isn't the right word' Safira thought. Hundreds of columns stretched into the darkness up above where the ceiling was hidden in the shadows. The space stretched on until they could see not further and the light faded away.

''Let me risk a little more light.'' Gandalf murmured, he turned and swirled his staff impressively in his wizened, old hands and the light became stronger ''Behold! The great realm and Dwarf-city of Dwarrodelf.''

''Now there's an eye-opener and no mistake.'' Sam whispered in awe.

They stood in silence taking in the magnificent sight. Safira could hardly believe her eyes, it was just too amazing. Then Gimli let out a sudden cry and sprinted away from the group.

''Gimli!'' Gandalf said angrily but they could only follow him into the side-room he had run into.

They found him with his head bowed shaking in front of a tomb. Skeletons littered the floor and leaned slumped against the walls with arrows poking out of their bones. Gandalf hurriedly walked over to Gimli and read out the runes inscribed on the top. ''Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria… It is as I feared then. He is dead.''

''We must move on. We cannot linger.'' Legolas said in hushed tones to Aragorn. The sick feeling in Safira's gut was agreeing whole-heartedly with him. As much sorrow as she was feeling for Gimli couldn't deny the fact they needed to keep moving.

Gandalf pried a thick leather-bound book out of the grip out of the grip of a dead Dwarf . He scanned the pages and then began to read. ''They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out… they are coming.'' The words bounced and reverberated around the room falling into crushing silence apart from Gimli's sobs.

Safira could easily feel her heart thumping in her chest. She was terrified she let out a stifled shriek when Pippin knocked a skeleton in full war armour down a well. She was sure they could have heard the racket it made from the surface.

''Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of you stupidity!'' Gandalf snapped waspishly. Safira thought he was a bit out of line until she heard a distant ruckus.

Frodo drew his blade and found it glowing blue. Safira had no idea how or why it was doing this but she guessed it was bad as Legolas turned around and spat out ''Orcs''

Then the drum and Goblin shouts started. Safira and Legolas could head it before the others and turned towards the door. An almighty roar shook the whole room. Boromir ran to the door and peaked out but he yanked his head back inside the door swiftly as two long dark arrows impaled themselves in the recently vacated space. He slammed the door shut again.

''They have a cave troll.'' He said with sarcastic pleasure. Safira hadn't a clue what the bloody hell a cave troll was but she figured it was one of those 'Don't want to meet in a dark ally-way sort of things.' The men hastily started to barricade the door with weaponry and old bits of wood.

''Let them come.'' Gimli bellowed jumping atop his relatives tomb. ''There is still one Dwarf in Moria that still draws breath.''

'Talk for yourself' Safira thought the last thing she wanted is to get in the middle of a battle when all she had to protect her were two daggers and no training. The goblins started to pound on the door as if hearing Gimli's cry.

''Get back and stay close to Gandalf!'' Aragon turned around and yelled at the Hobbits and Safira. Safira backed up to Gandalf but quickly changed her tune when she saw Gandalf trying to shield all four hobbits behind him. She started side-stepping quickly towards Legolas. She couldn't bring herself to bother Gandalf when others lives were at risk.

''Milady, return to Gandalf '' Legolas said when he saw her move behind him.

''No, he needs to protect the Hobbits'' Safira said ''I'll be fine'' Legolas didn't look happy, but had to turn back around to shoot the Goblins sticking their faces through a hole they had made in the door.

Then the barricade shattered, the doors swung wide open and a lot more pointy things burst into the room.

**Mmmm … eating brownies while doing this chapter they make all creepiness go away and they're yummy :3 Please review. Go on y'know you want to …. 3 P.S If you read the last line its a bad innuendo lol ;) Just noticed and to lazy to change it :D  
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